Venus in Aquarius, Where’s The “We” In Us?

I’m so in love with my husband. We must say “I love you” like fifty times a 03 cups firemaiden day – genuinely. I know, cheesy, cute, romantic or “uh, huh still in your honeymoon period are you?” says you. No, I believe we’re different. The cup is not empty or even half-empty – but full all the time. And this NYTimes article When There is No We in Marriage made me realize just how different we are in what we come to expect (or ask) of love. And since Venus has just entered Aquarius (February 17- March 11), freedom v. closeness is the topic du jour.

To me, it’s a sad portrait. More than sad, it’s disturbing, because it lives under the guise of hip, cool, bohemian – and socially acceptable – the norm. It’s a story about two cool Manhattan people doing their thing (it’s a paradigm, agreed?) – who once decided work is equally or more important than their marriage; that it’s okay to communicate Blackberry to Blackberry; and who must know their kids will follow their workaholics examples, and be as clueless about how to nurture their marriage, too. So if you’re wondering like me, where does the “I and thou” overlap? Where does the “we” go? Sometimes it goes on a honeymoon. In this case, alone.

After their wedding, the two often and happily went their separate ways. In fact, they even started married life separately. She began their honeymoon alone (he couldn’t find his passport), checking into their suite in Venice and thoroughly enjoying herself without him.

“I learned, ‘O.K., you like Italy more than you like me – good to know.”

There are useful questions. Like what to do when work and achievement takes precedent over the relationship and child-rearing?

“Andy’s desperate to work all the time, and I want to work,” she said. “I spend a lot of time saying things like, ‘My work is important, too!’ I must say that 25 times a day.”


They do have help – Suzy’s Chinese restaurant does most of the cooking, and they have a nanny 50 hours a week. “If I had the money, it would be more, frankly,” she said.

But my heart bottomed out here:

For a couple that craves and fights for time alone and apart, how do they stay together? One way, they said, is by pretty much ignoring their relationship in the same way a writer ignores a blank page.
“I try not to think about marriage,” she said. “It just seems impossible to me. It’s wondrous. It’s like trying to understand the meaning of the universe.”


Ignoring one’s relationship in the same way a writer ignores a blank page? Do you resemble that remark? Marriage is a blank page. Every day a new page is written. But good marriages are not made by ignoring the relationship. A writer, having all the training and knowhow about writing, sometimes needs to get away from the page to gather their creative thoughts and inspiration. Few if any of us enter marriage as experts that can afford to ignore a process we are just learning.

At this point, I realized there is one thing that is similar between my marriage and -those Aquarian ideals and hopes that shape everything we are together, and everything we’ll become. Perhaps that’s what Venus in Aquarius does best together – envisioning, striving, dreaming, becoming.

funky couple It does take a little objectivity to reflect upon on our attitude about love and marriage— because a life worth living, and a relationship worth having takes insight and forethought. It is fragile. Like: planning a shared goal, while making room for alone time. Or examining your jaded attitude about marriage (your divorce, your parents’ divorce) as part of the failure-to-thrive equation. And nurturing your highest shared aspirations – and breaking from ones that aren’t formulaic reflections of everyone else around you (p.s. -a cottage in the Catskills may not function as relationship life support) but truly resemble your unique union. But boy is the payoff high.

The difference between us and this one? While we face similar issues – we both need our work time, and finding the time to cook nourishing meals is a priority – there’s a level of cherishing, nurturing the “us” space, that perhaps these two neglected to consider from the get go.

To me, to be happy together, we’ve got to nurture “we”.

And whereas who would’ve thought “alone” and “together” could co-exist -we truly hope we can have it all.

Question: How do couples that crave and compete for alone time stay together?

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Comments

  1. Jessica,

    I read this excerpt this morning that I thought was in line to what you express above. See what you think…

    The busier you are with important things, the further from each other you will be.
    The more you work, the lonelier you will become.
    The more you try to please people, the more you will become their prisoner.
    How much money is enough?
    How many purchases are necessary to secure your happiness?

    Enjoy your work, then forget it.
    Let the eyes and arms of your beloved wash it all away.

    – From “The Couples Tao Te Ching”

  2. Jessica, I happen to know this couple, and while it may seem sad to you, the relationship actually works for them. I think that each couple finds their own way in a relationship, what works, what doesn’t. My own parents weren’t incredibly lovey-dovey, my father worked two jobs, and after he retired, he moved upstate, but I totally knew that my parents loved each other and me. That was just the way the relationship worked best for them. I also know couples who are in each other’s pockets 24/7 and it works for them. Chacun a son gout.

  3. That’s awesome that you know them, E. I really did get that their marriage “works for them.” That they both shared a set of ideals, values and that’s what made it jibe. It definitely wouldn’t work for me – but that’s me.

    I do have the deeper question – is their union truly all it can be? There are several statements she made that made me question her/their happiness. The writer seemed to share my same questions (behind the questions).

    And I viewed it through my own filter, where I see a real need to invest in “we” on an ongoing basis. Not doing this doesn’t work for many unions, like my own. I have my own vision of marriage, my own criteria for unified bliss. I honor theirs but wanted to examine it. Because it did break my heart a little. Overwork , ignoring the “we”, is dangerous to many a couple. And mine’s richer for nurturing it.

    Interesting comment about your parents. It seems relationships are different w/ each generation. I know that loyalty ran deep for certain generations, and made up for time spent apart and other needs. And for the b boomer generation, personal growth needs burst onto the scene – to the point that people left marriages to find their self.

    We all love so differently!

    I’m curious to know how they felt about seeing the article published? Did they see it as accurately reflecting their happiness?

    (what does chacun a son gout mean?)

  4. Each to their own taste.

    Andy and Jennifer were one of the couples featured in the Vows column 5 years ago when they got married. And yes, Jennifer thought it reflected their marriage pretty well. They both have the same sort of deadpan, sarcastic sense of humor, which I think is another thing that keeps them together. I don’t know if they particularly want to be a ‘we,’ the way that most people think of it. I do know there is a lot of love and affection between the two of them, and a lot of therapy!

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