In love, we really don’t know what we’re getting into, do we? We fall under the spell of love, we fall for someone trustworthy, kind and true, and trust that no matter what comes our way, the tender feelings we have for one another, like a womb, will insulate and protect us from what inevitably comes next. Given the right person, barring a criminal history or other red flags, it would be silly to think it’s not worth the risk. Love is the ultimate reality, and many know God is Love, too.
So we take a vow, make a commitment to our Love, to love, honor, respect in sickness and in health…and a host of other potentials. What comes next…is harder. It can happen five months down the road, or five years. The inevitability of love is that eventually something will challenge it in the deepest way. When something devastating, incredibly difficult or unexpected happens, we are forced to trace backwards how it “got this bad”. Maybe we can start to see how poor communication, piled up resentments, mutual unwillingness to have an honest conversation contributed to this. At the time, maybe we never thought that letting that same argument go (over and over) could possibly start to erode the attraction and affection we have for each other – let alone the very center of our union. A failure to adequately resolve what is happening in the present creates the atmosphere of living under a volcano; oppressed emotions and unspoken words are time bombs.
And in love, we tend to underestimate the level of unhealed trauma we all bring to our partnerships. Very few of us are enlightened enough as to be healed from our childhood or karmic wounds. We have baggage of the deepest, most buried nature – and that is always revealed in partnership. It is actually the function of a loving relationship, to show us all the areas where we are still separate from Love. It’s the contrast that illuminates Love – like a black and white photograph, the more intense our love for another (the white) the more pronounced what is keeping us from living there all the time (the black). The black is our blocks, our feelings of separateness, pain and aloneness. It is also the trauma we carry but cannot yet see in our self – until the partner we love holds up a mirror and shows us how far we have left to go, to get the love we want.
We all have darkness, hurt and pain – and we all have suffered, deeply, to achieve the spiritual awareness and growth we can claim today. It’s important to remember this when we’re having relationship troubles, when love is painful. Love isn’t supposed to feel good all the time. Marianne Williamson says, “”Part of our problem is that we expect love affairs to always feel good. They don’t. Actually, relationships don’t feel good anyway. We feel good. Unless we are centered within ourselves, we cannot blame a relationship for throwing us off.” We’re together to grow, and we pay for that growth through working through the painful times, misunderstanding, botched communication, wounds. For most adults, pain motivates growth.
Personally, I have to see the light and dark of Love as forces to balance out my soul, because I cannot afford to look at my marriage, or any relationship, in any other way. I am attempting to heal and have my soul made whole through Love. To do this, I am learning to take responsibility for my entire experience of Love, including what I cannot yet see in myself. When I believe my husband is intentionally causing me pain, it’s always beyond painful – it’s destructive & unhelpful. In crazy moments, I believe, we’re more like puppies in big overgrown bodies, unaware of our strength and power, than monsters. There are times I think I cannot handle the level of obstacles I’m experiencing, and at these moments, I have to fight hard for the spiritual lesson, the big picture. I ask. I do some praying, too. I make sure to have the hard conversation. Then, there’s usually a breakthrough. This seems to be the pattern of Uranus-Pluto.
Yes, I’m talking about the Uranus-Pluto square toggling with the planet of love, Venus, in the sign of committed love, Cancer, this week (8/15/12) – and the Mars-Saturn conjunction in Libra, too (as if the Universe needed to underscore that relationship trouble all around is happening for both those who use the outer planets, and those who do not). Both show where we could stand to look at the blockages in our life as where we are standing separate from Love –and dive deep to correct it. Some of us may not be in a relationship, but realize we have formed beliefs based out of unhealed wounding, and misunderstanding around our True Lesson of a failed partnership which is preventing us from opening to love again. Pluto-Uranus is the epitome of peeling the onion: this week, just keep peeling it. We may not be ready for the core healing (or we may), but with each layer, we are incrementally closer to being whole, to opening our heart where it’s been shut down. It’s stubborn, Holy work. But if pain is the motivator of growth, I can’t imagine any better way to learn than through the heart.