I walked down to the edge of the ocean and gave her my suffering. She took it without a thought. In an act of grace, I met myself anew.
My heart was heavy and full of emotion. My feelings were uncomfortable, and went far deeper, I knew, than the recent events that resurfaced its pain. I couldn’t get grounded in my meditations, concentrate and the day was bright and sunny. So abandoning my usual morning routine I went for a walk on a path that Magnus and I like, by the water, where ferries shuttle passengers from the city, a path that circles near San Quentin prison. I sat on a bench surrounded by wildflowers, facing the water, planted my feet into the Earth and offered myself the gift of compassion.
I offered myself my heartfelt apology. I am so sorry… you feel alone and terrified. I am so sorry… for all the times you’ve felt alone and terrified. I’m so sorry… for all the times you’ve felt unsupported. I’m so sorry… for all the times you felt alienated and disconnected. I’m so sorry… for all the times you were abandoned. I’m so sorry… for all the times you thought God forgot about you. As I went deeper, apologizing for every experience of suffering, memories surfaced. Standing in the lunch line with the blue ticket, which meant I was on government assistance, when everyone else’s was orange. The time I wished I had friends so badly that I made imaginary ones (even now I get confused as to whether they were real). The year I got deathly sick and all my friends left me. The times I reached out for guidance, instruction and care on basic life skills, and no one was there. I apologized to all those younger selves. I gave them my compassion and understanding.
Then I reached something deeper, like a stone finally sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I am so sorry for all the times you thought you were crazy, wrong or broken because of your strong emotions. I am so sorry these thoughts weakened your light, and for the suffering they caused.
I sat with my soul’s truth. Yes, it was the thoughts I had about these human, hard experiences that caused me suffering, as anyone from Buddha to Eckhart Tolle would agree, but equally, it was the messages I’d received about my feelings, my feminine emotional body, that caused me to suffer. No one had taught me that pain and fear, rage and fury, alienation and confusion were normal, perfectly fine to feel, and that if you allow your self to hold and fully feel them, they shift on their own. Often, it’s so uncomfortable to feel our painful feelings because we’ve been told they’re bad, wrong, dangerous. So we push them away and that makes them stronger, more uncomfortable, spooky, even disabling and destructive.
As I got up and walked on the rocky beach, something caught my eye. Glass. Now, I love sea glass and its a rare find on any California beach so I wasn’t surprised when I picked up a colored piece, saw it was a broken beer bottle with rough dangerous edges, and instinctively threw it into the ocean to save someone else, or my dog, from stepping on it. And that’s when the idea came to me: The sea symbolizes oneness with our own True Nature, love, divinity and compassion. This glass is sharp, violent, like thoughts of separation and fear. But when I throw them into the sea of oneness, the hard edges always become smooth. A dangerous object becomes one of beauty.
So, one by one, I picked up the jagged glass and released it into the ocean, and with each one said, I’m so sorry…, and imagined each sharp thought being smoothed by love. Then, lo and behold -a piece of sea glass, with smooth edges… then another, and another. And I laughed, because this is how prayers are answered. Mother Nature reciprocates Divine intentions in blessings and abundance. This was spontaneous Earth Magic. The rest of the day delivered more blessings: I bought myself a bouquet of flowers, treated myself to lunch, stumbled unexpectedly onto an outdoor music venue (and I actually liked the music!) and my beloved returned home from a trip.
Taurus New Moon has healing magic in it, Earth Magic. Earth Magic is quiet, easy to overlook, to diminish, write off as unimportant, insignificant to our life, just as patriarchy does to the feminine. But we have the power to shift our relationship to the feminine. By so doing we change the world.
Start by honoring the feminine in your life, from the blessings of care and love you give others, to the way you honor your emotions and boundaries, to your beautiful sensitivity and vulnerability, to the sustainable Earth practices you do. The feminine is easily overlooked, but it’s her gentle attention and care that brings the soul to life.
Venus, planet of the Divine Feminine, rules this New Moon. Due to her retrograde, Venus in Pisces has been conjunct Chiron and square Saturn for most of April, bringing our relationship frustrations and feelings of helplessness, losses and existential loneliness to surface. Now, still in her shadow period (thru 5/18), she is still transmitting specific knowledge to us from the underworld, in various ways and forms (like this article by Tara Mohr, who points out that the procrastination and perfectionism we think is holding us back from our goals is often just really feelings we don’t want to feel). What invitation of awareness is Venus sending you? Where are you feeling called to more fully embody your feminine, for your self, for others?
The Moon is exalted in Taurus, a sign that supports fertility, abundance and stability for the changeable Moon, and our up and down emotions. In the days surrounding Taurus New Moon, any simple and easy healing ritual has extra potent magic in it. The garden is full of possibility, from pulling weeds as negative thoughts, to planting wishes for love with your rosebush. So is the sea.
Take your selves – the parts of you that have fragmented, from confusion, fear and hurt– into Mother Nature. Offer them your healing, and hers. Offer your compassion, wisdom and your understanding. These final days of Venus in Pisces can help us surrender what’s left to release, and to anchor into the wisdom of the Divine Feminine.