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Some days trying to find myself is like trying to find keys in a snowstorm
I know She is there but I can’t see her
The motion, energy and debris flies around, obscuring vision, clarity, knowing

In those moments that feel like days,
In those days that feel like weeks,
I am lost but not lost
Confused but certain
That if I could lift this veil
If I could give back all that I did not ask for nor want

The electricity in the air
Your confusion, fear, anger
This perpetual state of unrest
The United States of Unrest
The violence and pain
The hurt of blood stained lips that speak and we call this entertainment
The drought of Everything:
Poverty
Soullessness
False programs, fabrications of ways of being not our own
The defensive ego
Just trying to hold onto a shred of human dignity
The diagnosis
The fear, the fear
The winds would calm
And you would see this flower trying to survive in nutrient poor soil
Loses her color, then eventually her self

I don’t want to be that
I want Her to thrive
I don’t want to blame and hold you accountable for the chaos of this world
Because you participate in it so easily
Because it is your world, not mine
I refuse to make you the enemy of a kingdom that does not include me
That does not recognize me
See, there’s nothing for me here
Blind ambition, greed and power
Leads to depletion
It takes and takes
You are not a Taker

Yet
Every time the scales swing towards you for days, weeks
Every time the ground rises up to meet you then asks for more than it gives
(you’ve worked so damn hard to play by their rules)
Every time the easy way you do not notice the foundation I hold for you here
The warm bed
The fragrant meal
The tender embrace
The toothpaste you forgot to buy
The flowers in the garden and all their color
The way I process the relationship’s emotions, hold a container for Us
The way I make it easy for you to do what you do
To claim awards, to provide, to sweat and earn
She notices

She has a choice to make
To break away or come closer
She comes closer, draws you in, to comfort herself
She breaks away in under appreciation and emptiness
Both end that way
These are not good choices

A third choice, the work of re-mineralization
Bringing in the worms, magnesium, nitrogen
Bringing in poetry, art, color
Refusing to live in a colorless world, a world without soul or eroticism
Without the soft candlelight of a kiss
Without the smell of lavender, the well oiled silk of skin
The swish of leg on leg
The joy of shoes and the perfect glass for drinking

I am the landscape but I am not the landscape
I am not something pretty to be walked all over, instead of reverently walked upon
Just because I am silent does not mean I am quiet
Look me over but do not overlook me
You are the King, my sovereign
I am your Dominion,
The supremacy of something so sublime you cannot see if you do not see me

If you do not…
Take time to smell my flowers
Feel the sand beneath your feet
Play like birds in the wind
Honor my creatures
Eat my good food
Accept my nourishment into your belly not as fuel but as Love
…that hand that feeds you becomes depleted
I will not turn away from you
But I must rediscover myself

She retreats when she is not invited in
She waits when deadlines are placed
before her
Everything is more important than Her
Nothing is more important than Her
You wear her on your arm, the perfect companion
You always get what you need “So what’s the problem?” you ask
She goes silent
Nothing
Everything

This world we live in
Productivity over the perfection of a ripe summer’s peach
We make babies only to watch them starve
We don’t take care of our young, our old, our women.

Her
Pull me into you, make a womb of light of our love
Make all things possible again because I cannot see
I’m in a snowstorm searching for my keys
I’m being bombarded by a thousand things I did not ever want nor ask for
None of this is mine
All of this is mine,
Now

Make this love a refuge for Her
Pull me in tighter, closer
Let’s see how deep we can bury our bulbs in the Earth
How much bullshit we have to move to reach the juicy center
Is our taproot protected from the chaos of this world?
Can I trust you to do the right thing by Her?
If I give you Everything will you choose tenderness?
Or will you succumb to the ways of your kingdom?
Ego fighting for control and domination, fear leading the way

Dominion.
I am the alpha and the omega
I am the bringer of light and love and babies and music
I am the dancer and the dance, the brightening glance
The inspiration
I am the tree of life. I give you life. I destroy life.
Don’t tempt me
I am soft downy fur
I am the twinkling of lights in the rain and I am the rain
I am the landscape and I am your Everything

Bow down to me. Notice me. Worship me.
This isn’t a contest, a battle for supremacy.
This isn’t a war
This is my world. Erotic Lover. Electric Mother. Goddess Creator. Mother Nature. Life Giver. Home Sitter. The Noticer of All Things Small and Great. I listen. I listen to you. I come for you. I create for you. I receive all of you. I know things. I know things you don’t. I kiss the sky, even when you won’t. I grieve for loss. I celebrate gain. I am victorious even in my pain.

Birth

This is my garden and I walk barefoot through it, throwing open the doors holding back all the love that is not being shared
Silent witness to the world of invisible things we can see but refuse to, silent no longer
I make poetry
I dry herbs in the kitchen
I dance alone to the setting sun
I am a raindancer
dancing for rain in a drought of soul

I do my women’s work
The work that all women do,
Silent but not quiet
We ask for fresh water, for healing, cleansing
We make magic disguised as small ordinary everyday things

Feeling blood pump back into muscle
Remembering what’s not mine and what is mine, strength grows
There is power in small places
A garden can feed a neighborhood
A bedroom can conceive a life
A dream can give rise to vision
An ant can pull 10x her body weight
Miracles happen
A rhinoceros gives strawberry pink milk to her young

My strawberry flows into me and into you
I leave a trail of sweet smelling fragrance wherever I walk
Light follows me
Sound of music and birds find me
I open my mailbox and I receive… my self

I can find myself again because I know where to look.
I can take nourishment in the Mother

This poem was excerpted in the essay Sagittarius Full Moon: A World You Want to Live In. In it, I addressed the disillusionment we’ve been experiencing as a collective and the need for each of us to consciously embody and value the feminine – to create the world we want to live in. This is the full length poem, written under the light of a Sagittarius Full Moon — also referred to as the Strawberry Moon.