So How Do Husbands Stack Up in the Kitchen? An Expose’ by Moon sign. Part 3 of a series.

Aries Moon Husbands: Natural knivesmen. They probably enjoy the knives and cool kitchen utensils more than cooking. Excellent little choppers, too; give them a plate of vegetables for soup stock and they go to town. Make great sous chefs. Their feelings do get hurt if you threaten replacement by food processor, so be forerwarned. Don’t forget to make them feel like they’re the ones who really made the meal – they like the power.

Taurus Moon Husbands: Two categories here: “don’t bother me, I’m watching t.v.” or “I’ve prepared the most delectable gourmet cheese macaroni with strange cheese names that smell like feet just for you.” Of the cookers or loafers, both Taurus husbands are eaters – they just love to eat and they can have a hard time stopping themselves from overeating. I knew a Taurus Moon man who was a far better cook than me, and being appreciated for his food was like a source of self-esteem or something. And I was happy to boost it with my praise and secure more good food in the process (try it, this works).

Gemini Moon Husbands: Refer to previous article. ’nuff said.

Cancer Moon Husbands: Score! How did you get so lucky? These guys know the way to a woman’s heart is through her belly. They want to feed you, no they live to feed you. It makes them feel needed, and in turn, loved. They have an intuitive-spiritual understanding about how the spices and tastes compliment, elevating food from physical to spiritual nourishment. Sometimes they wake up in the morning having dreamt about what they want to make you for dinner tonight. High-five girl!

Leo Moon Husbands: Gour-mens, it’s a new term I’ve invented for you. You are the gourmet afficianado with a taste for the finest. Food is a social event best shared at a five star restaurant, over a five course meal, and either are only a problem if you’re not rich so make sure you have the dough. These men either a) prefer every meal to be a party but since it’s not, gourmet frozen dinners tide him over to a Friday night extravagance or b) prefer only the finest and won’t suffer imitations gladly. I want to say some Leo Moon men are the occasional food snob, but I don’t want to hurt their tender feelings. Oops, guess I just did. Sorry, Leo.

Virgo Moon Husbands: Efficient and organized. Don’t get in their way when they’re cooking for you. There’s an OOO (order of operations) and you probably don’t understand it. When you try to take a shortcut, they look at you with a puzzled hurt puppy “why would you do that?” look. If you’re cooking: assign make them feel useful by assigning a task – they like it. Get your dominatrix on. If they’re cooking: as the servants of the zodiac they’re often glad to do all of it. Unlike other Moon signs, some actually enjoy doing dishes. Weird, but good (and this is all role-reversed if he still assigns his Moon to the wife in his life, in which case you need to educate hubby on the sexual revolution. Stat.).

Libra Moon Husbands: If you’re in the kitchen, so is he, because he wants to be with you. No I didn’t say he wanted to cook, I said, he wants to be with you. Because this has nothing to do with food, this has to do with “us” time (said in an adorable voice). How can our relationship stay healthy if we don’t do everything together? What, you want me to cook a pork chop? I’d rather stir a pot while falling gaga in love with you over boiling-over borscht. Loves to eat off your plate. Specialty main course: togetherness, with a little lovin’ on the side.

Scorpio Moon Husbands: There’s nothing more physically, emotionally and sexually nourishing than sex on the kitchen table. Or up against the sink. I’m not trying to stereotype your Scorpio man, but he is a Scorpio, and  is he a man. There are certain things one can expect from him: he’s an attentive eater. He’s sincere. He’ll eat your food and say it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted, and he will mean it. But you really want him to cook? Sure, he can do that. But why?

Sagittarius Moon Husbands: I imagine Sagittarius Moon husbands aren’t much different than my fave Sag girlfriend. If it’s edible, great. If it’s from another culture, even better, which makes the Archer a perfect candidate for take-out meals. Thai, Mexican, Chinese… and if they’re cooking, it’s a big all-in-one-dish-mash-up. Warning, it sometimes comes out strangely unidentifiable but because they’re born hedonists it still tastes real good. These are the classic I-ate-the-leftovers-for-breakfast husbands.

Capricorn Moon Husbands: It’s the woman’s job to cook. Yeah, in the last century maybe. The problem is these Moon signs are heavy on roles and responsibility, which could mean “it’s not my job, it’s yours.” You could easily finish that sentence with “… to remain barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen”. Just sayin’. See, this Moon sign is more likely nurtured by work, than food. To be fair, if he’s had to fare for himself (and many a Capricorn Moon husband has) he’s likely picked up some mad skills. In which case he could be: SuperMoon! another variation of SuperMan. Know this: down deep, he does appreciate being properly cared for, watched over and well, parented – a bonus if you enjoy playing mom.

Aquarius Moon Husbands: Walking oxymorons. They can be the most conservative eaters, or the most radical ones. The latter guys aren’t hard to figure out because they just keep changing their diet with the times, which means weird food. Of the former, who knows what to make of them? If they could take a pill and not have to worry about food, they might do it. Don’t expect these guys to cook; it’s far too mundane. But of the originators, they can develop odd but innovative techniques, and will gladly share them with you (one Aquarius Moon man I know has developed a strangely efficient way of carving a cauliflower).

Pisces Moon Husbands: Food is a spiritual experience, an ambience, an atmosphere of unity. Bring on the wine and candlelight and music. More about romancing the mood than the taste of the food, they they put in a very good effort there too, though some Pisces husbands surprise and delight with what they can whip up. But warning ladies: these husbands may be a little disorganized in the kitchen, and very messy to clean up after (for which I advise a strong, clear division of labor). Kitchen boundaries are helpful with your Pisces Moon man. But you’re such a softie, you can taste the love… And that’s why you married him.