“Be more selfish”
“Be the boss”
“Inform, don’t negotiate”
“Own your feminine strength”
I love telling this to clients. Particularly those with an overdeveloped sense of compassion, obligation and sensitivity toward others. I get it. I understand what it means to live with putting others first, both how beautiful it makes you, and how it warps your life. This is my wheelhouse. Not because I’m good at it but because I have to work at it every day of mine.
The above statements above may roll off my tongue with sass and gusto, but they are prescriptive medicine. I also know my audience. “Be more selfish” is medicine for one, and poison for another.
Some get it, others just won’t. Others will think you are plenty selfish (just look at how much freedom/time/opportunity you have!) but those people do not understand what it means to energetically, emotionally put others first… because assuming you are just like them is to their benefit. They get to keep relating to you from their limited viewpoint, and you get to keep serving them!
For some of us, “be more selfish” is so much easier said than done.
For those of us who want to be caring toward others first and foremost not hurt other people’s feelings, put others wants, needs and desires above our own, “be more selfish” is a pretty terrifying request. If this is you, keep reading. We think: If we stop deferring… asking others what they want and instead just decide what we want… if we stop living life by committee, stop asking everyone their opinion and consult our inner manager instead…if we put our foot down, say No, and disappoint another’s expectations or feelings…what will happen then? Terror! Maybe they won’t love us anymore. Maybe they will leave us. (my fight or flight mechanism has practically kicked in through simply writing these words)
Granted, if someone will leave us for any of the above reasons, they are not our people. Try telling that to the inner 5 year-old who believes that love is conditional and earned.
Yet being more selfish is also the key to our healing. Giving our self 100% permission to be first and last authority in our own life is something which, if we could actually claim with total honesty on our death bed, the Angels would pronounce our life a raging success –a smashing victory!
Aries New Moon suggests the time is right for being more selfish. At its best, Aries energy is clear, direct and honest. No bullshit. This is what I want, need, desire…this is what I AM about. It’s not personal. I’m simply going to inform you. No, this is not up for negotiation. It’s not about you, it’s about ME, ME, ME. And I’m not going to apologize for it. (so, don’t go there, Libra!)
As an Aries Moon born, my single most empowering go-to question is “what do I need/want?” I apply it liberally to many different situations, from an argument that has suddenly taken a sharp left turn (wait, a second, I ask myself, what do I need, here?) to the decision about how to plan my day. “What do I want/need?” always brings me back to ME…and I have left ME alone far more often than I like.
In its shadow manifestation, Aries is argumentative, defensive and gets in its own way. In my experience, the best way to become argumentative, defensive and get in your own way is to ignore your true wants, needs and desires. Chiron is transiting Aries. This is about the habit of self-abandonment. The habit of thinking we need to put our self last, not first. Core wound stuff. Wound to selfhood stuff.
So maybe this post is not for everyone. It is a shout out for those who have given so much, and claimed little. For those who know the pain of self-betrayal too well. For those who have confused being true to one’s authentic self with being uncaring. For those who know guilt. So. much. guilt.
Bring your energy back to you. You have compromised yourself long enough.
Aries New Moon Practice: Pull Your Energy Back
Ever notice how feeling anxious about standing up for your self (aka being selfish) can derail you at the worst possible moment? Right when we want to feel strong, fear makes us vulnerable: that we’ll disappoint another, they’ll argue with, disagree with us, they’ll get hurt feelings, or that their shame will come up, they’ll turn it into an argument about them, etc. etc. etc. etc. And because fear attracts what we most fear, that’s exactly what happens: We are suddenly engaging their hurt feelings… end up arguing… and it all goes sideways. We have essentially attracted what we least wanted to happen. We might even end up avoiding the topic altogether and compromise our self for another, thus betraying our self.
And the cycle continues.
This practice can radically change the way you are able to hold your energy during hot or intense moments. And in my experience, how you hold your energy- your seat of power- makes all the difference between getting your needs and wants met, or devolving into an argument you never intended to have. Try it before you have a big “talk,” you need to be decisive, or otherwise in your power.
Sit in a comfortable spot with your feet on the ground. Ground by sending energy through the cords of your feet down into the moist, cool Mother Earth. Imagine your energy has a signature color. It is a glowing, iridescent, vibrant color that you identify with and is all yours. No one else has this same color.
Now, imagine calling your energy back into your solar plexus and sacrum. Imagine watching the bloom of a chrysanthemum firework, but in reverse — streams of your colorful light are returning to you, to your core, like a pinwheel moving inward toward your center. As streams of light return to you, your seat of power grows, glows and vibrates outward. Allow your light to take up as much space as you like.
You will feel restored in yourself, more in your seat, more present. You will feel a little more energized, clearer. Clarity. Inner integrity. Presence. Imagine the clarity and calm surety of the Sun. That’s Aries.
Now, instead of taking a defensive or protective posture, you will have all your energy with you so you can meet whatever comes your way and know that YOU are always the bigger force!