(this is an excerpt from my upcoming CD/book on attracting your soul mate…if you like it, let me know!)

In my twenties, I used to work in an art gallery full of women on the island of Maui. While these women had incredible magnetism, I observed that while many of them claimed to want love, a number of them just weren’t open. Through observing their closed energy against the backdrop of lushly feminine Maui I realized only a few of us were truly tapping our power to receive and attract.

Whereas men have the power to act, women have the power to attract. It’s a Mars-Venus thing.

Although symbolically, the masculine principle is deeply embedded in men and the feminine in women, neither are gender exclusive. Men can do their Venus, and women can do their Mars. However, Venus and Mars are entirely different principles and behaviors, appropriate for specific activities. One is used for attracting love (Venus) the other creates heroic missions (Mars) like starting wars, standing up for your self…and having sex. What does this have to do with attracting your soul mate? The problems begin when we confuse the two, when we mix ’em up.

Over coffee recently I told a male friend of mine that I was working on this project on attracting one’s soul mate. He was immediately intrigued, since he’d had a recent encounter with a woman, who, during the course of a business meeting complained about her unsuccessful search for a partner while launching her breasts like missiles in his direction. Not only was he not attracted, he was repelled by her aggressive energy. I imagine it this way: there were two Mars in the room, and at any given time, in any male/female relationship there’s only room for one Mars. He wondered, do women think this makes them more attractive to me (btw, his answer was no)? We contemplated her age, her biological clock (tick-tock) and the usual “There’s really no single men in (insert your city/state/country here)” while citing some statistical male/female ratio evidence. He asked, was it desperation, the ultimate anti-pheromone? No, I think women are smarter than that. I think it all comes down to using Mars when we should be using Venus.

When women use their Mars to attract love she invites a landmine of problems. Here’s Mars marching orders: chase, capture and conquer. Versus Venus’ beauty credo: the world is one big orgasm (or ice cream cone) and it’s coming my way! It’s a subtle difference in attitude. Mars is all red alert and high intensity, while Venus is warmly expectant and receptive. Dating, for the woman who has lost touch with the innate playfulness of Venus is Mars dangerous – like lobbing hand grenades cleverly disguised as romantic overtures into enemy territory. Because that’s what it feels like for a man, sabotaged and caught by surprise, when she comes on too strong.

So why do some women think with their Mars when they should be thinking with their Venus (excuse the pun)? I don’t necessarily think it’s conscious. Marianne Williamson, spiritual teacher and author had a theory: the real issue for women who keep complaining about “uncommitted and unavailable men” over and over again is they don’t really seem to like men. Which may sound harsh, but the issue is carrying redemptive anger and hurt without a place to heal. It’s possible, somewhere in her history, delicate Venus was in a hard knocks relationship with Mars, in which she lacked the spiritual tools to compassionately understand and process what happened. Mars could’ve been an ex or even a father. And all that anger and frustration (a denied Love Goddess, a fired up Mars) turned lover, into enemy. How does this manifest? Even a sweet perfume can’t hide the smell of an unreasonable demand or unrealistic expectation for her lover. And neither can a veil of lace shield a veiled insult, or a closed heart.

When we’re embittered or angry, some of us silently seethe and take little jabs at our love object (and our own hearts), others of us use our powers of attraction to become the femme fatale. There are many examples of women who have misused their power to seduce a man to destroy him – Eve, Delilah, Athena and Hera’s plot against Aphrodite, and Aphrodite herself. It’s the dark side of light power. The telling and retelling of stories about feminine revenge, seduction and manipulation is archetypal. And whenever the softer sex, the feminine principle, isn’t protected and cherished and instead violated, she has a right to righteous rage. But there’s a place and a time to directly and appropriately express our ego/Mars energy. And no matter how you dress up your frustrated, angry Mars, whether in a little black dress or cashmere and a cami, the wardrobe will malfunction.

Finding your soul mate should not feel like a hostile fire war zone, and when it does, it’s a sign you’ve advanced from Planet Love, to Planet War. You don’t need to be the aggressor, nor do you need turn your breasts into torpedoes shooting across the desk or the bar. If you approach love like a soldier, looking for a few good men can be emotionally scarring and exhausting. While the sexed up energy of Mars comes in handy in the bedroom, remember the cardinal rule, ladies: Venus first.