After 13 years, and multiple attempts at contact on my part, an old friend reached out. The moment I dreamt of had finally arrived: I had given this moment so much energy over the years of trying to reconnect, imagining a joyful reunion of forgiveness, acceptance, unconditional love—all the things I had been craving from the other.
For years, I had wanted to express my deep regret for my part for the inelegant but necessary parting of ways, and now I finally had the chance! I was filled with joy at the opportunity – and I took it. But afterwards other feelings set in: rejection, betrayal. Having been denied the ability to speak for so many years, I literally felt I was being/had been choked.
Allowing all the feelings to arise, suddenly I could see all the magnificent illusions I had… the person I had built them up to be, the admiration I had given them, a grandeur of greatness that now contradicted the reality of the one who had human wounds, flaws and even hypocrisies.
A sort of fall from grace occurred. And an awakening into grace.
Now I could clearly see that I was always the one I had wanted.
The qualities I was waiting for another to give me, for years so desperately trying to receive and denied, were a vestige of childhood wounds (aren’t they always?) – and they were with me all along.
I already had what I needed. Who had the acceptance, love, forgiveness in this picture? I did. The proof was in my very detailed imaginings of this moment. I was the one bringing the light, love and healing.
Their path, and healing, was different from mine, and theirs to walk. Realizing I no longer needed or wanted anything from this person, I experienced a swelling of self-love, self-cherishing, and self-acceptance.
I had wanted all these things from another, of course I had! My inner child wished for this to be different than it had been, so badly. How understandable. Yet in fully feeling the pain and longing of that wish, I received the fullness of my own beauty and goodness. My Light.
Pisces New Moon
One of the great ironies of life is that we spend most of it believing that our happiness and good lays elsewhere, outside of our self — in money, security, status, prestige, love, affection from other people. In things we try to get from external sources instead of seek to receive from within.
Receiving the good we already have, right here and now, is something most of us have to work on. It is the goal of every spiritual practice. We think it is the un-obtanium (is this a real word? It is a word my husband uses often) of enlightenment, yet is totally attainable! Apparently, the cosmic joke is, upon arriving in heaven, after a lifetime of striving and working so hard for peace, happiness and joy we all eventually realize what we were seeking was and is here and now. Why not discover it now?
This morning I felt this rich and tender up-swelling of truly receiving the good in this life I have created for myself. I live in Hawaii. Yes. Hawaii!! I am married to a soulful man I love. I have unlimited freedom to pursue whatever my Soul desires next. I created this. I feel and am abundant. I love myself, deeply, tenderly, expansively, and feel that love in a very palpable sense. I created this!! I love my fierce dedication to leading a life that is in alignment with me, and know my life is a reflection of this.
Again: The good in my life did not arrive from things, but the pursuit of a sense of rightness within myself.
This is the gift of Pisces: Allowing yourself to receive the good that is already yours. Don’t wait till you are dead to discover that heaven was on Earth all along (I’ve always thought that was a bad idea; why should we have to wait?!). Don’t wait for forgiveness and healing from another; give what you long for from them, to you. Allowing, accepting, receiving, offering yourself limitless compassion, unconditional love… are the methods of sinking more deeply into your Divinity. Here’s another one I want to share with you.
A Pisces Practice: Cool, Calm Pool of Light
We each have access to a gentle peace within. In fact, that is all we are and ever can be as eternal Souls: peace, ease, beauty, grace, joy, bliss, contentment… Admittedly, with the way our nervous systems are hard wired to anticipate danger and threats, embodying this is like teaching one’s awareness to rest on gentle birdsong in our front yard instead of the blaring ambulance racing loudly down our neighborhood street. We are in sensitive bodies, and living on a planet that cycles through myriad uncomfortable energies daily, so connecting to our light takes a level of persistence.
Frankly, it takes practice.
Here’s how I do it. Start with the practice I introduced you to two weeks ago in: Presence (linked). Ask “Where Am I?” and pull your consciousness into your body, with your breath and your awareness. Now, breath light into your center and feel yourself relax into your spine, and into your pelvic bowl. Draw it downward into your belly. Connect with the light in your pelvic bowl, or solar plexus.
Feel the peace and tranquility here. Feel the abiding calm and serenity. Always. Right. Here.
It is here, even as other energies co-exist within and around you. You may say, ‘but I can’t stop my mind from chattering…how can I ever tune into peace?!’ You CAN. Few talk about this truth, because the Ego is caught up in believing we must eliminate “bad” feelings before we can experience good, but paradoxically, peace and calm can and do co-exist with other energies we feel. Training our self to hold all of it at once is essential. In fact it may be the only way we are permitted to experience deep serenity.
No matter how fluttery your heart might be, or how chaotic the thoughts running around in your head, you always have access to this calm pool of light. This calm pool of light is your True Nature, your I AM.
That’s how I experience it inside, as a cool, calm pool of light. Like a deep and beautiful lake with light reflecting a warm sunset glow surrounding, when I tune into that in myself, I am reminding myself of the truth: I am not what I feel. I am not my experiences. I am not this body. I am not my history. I AM.
Some days it feels like only a thimble full of water, or a little pond; other days my calm pool of light feels big, expansive, like the ocean. It can feel too small, and interestingly, it can also feel too big, too much light for little me to handle! I ease the Ego into it, wading in up to my shins, then my thighs. It’s all okay.
I play with floating on my back in the deep Pacific, where the water is so salty one doesn’t need move, just be. Floating, I remember I’m not holding the light, I don’t need to do anything. The light is holding me.
Take a few moments during this Pisces season to try this practice. Do it for a few minutes throughout the day, while you’re waiting at line at the grocery, driving home, eating lunch. You don’t have to wait till you get to heaven, or till someone gives you what you think you want and need, to experience the deep and peaceful healing light of love that is yours, right here and now.